Terminator Salvation Review: Nerd Rage

Time travel is a funny thing. For instance, if you had a time machine and could go back into the past far enough to find a version of yourself at roughly age eight, would you tell him that when he is in his mid to late twenties he will be sitting in a theater with a bucket full of popcorn watching the previews prior to Terminator Four? Would you then tell him that those previews contain trailers for the following films: Wolverine, Transforms II, G.I. Joe, and Star Trek 11? I mean, sure, it would be fun to watch your eight year old self have an uncontrollable nerdgasm, but you could also do some lasting damage. What happens when that eight your old version of you grows up, waiting with baited breath for the year 2009 to arrive, only to find that G.I. Joe is no longer an "American" hero, Wolverine spends more time yelling at the sky than acting like Wolverine, Optimus Prime has lips, and Star Trek features plot wholes which you could fly The Enterprise through? I guess what I'm saying is that expectations are a bitch. Hell, that's probably why I enjoyed the new Star Trek so much, I had no expectations. Terminator, however, was a different beast all together. That being said, I'll try to get on to something which vaguely resembles a review.

Let me start with some positive comments. The film looks great. The CG is top notch, from the almost constant explosions to the CG Arnold Schwarzenegger (Spoilers... oh, who gives a shit) at the end of the film. The post-apocalyptic wasteland looks gorgeous, better than Mad Max. I'm not sure that the visuals will be topped any time soon. I guess we'll just have to see if The Road can present a more convincing doomsday environment. Also, Christian Bale and Sam Worthington both shine like diamonds amidst a sea of post burrito binge poop. Although, at times watching Worthington is a bit rough, because some of his lines are just ridiculous. "Ah, so that's what death tastes like." Are you fucking kidding me? See, I couldn't do it. I couldn't sustain even a single paragraph of positive comments about this film.

On to the bad. Okay, I'm just going to give you my top five moments, because otherwise we would have to be here for a while. Oh, if you don't want spoilers, please go away.

5. Ewoks - Okay, so the young Anakin Skywalker, *khoff* I'm sorry Kyle Reese, and his mute, black, six year old compatriot take out a T-800 with a series of pulleys, destroyed cars, barrels, logs, and assorted other shit. Never mind the nagging question: how did two little kids lift a fucking automobile onto a pulley? What's more wounding is the fact that the scene is almost identical to the scene from Jedi, where the ewoks bring down the AT-ST. Also, the terminator in question is wearing combat boots and a bandanna for absolutely no reason. In fact, all of the terminators are dress like Cleveland street punks, fucking baffling. Why do gigantic, scary-ass robots need jackets, to put patches on?

4. Terminators don't cry - Okay, I'm going to ruin the big twist, but they showed it in the previews, so don't get pissy with me. Marcus (Sam Worthington) is some sort of half-human/ half-terminator hybrid... with a heart (both literal and metaphorical). This one plot point wouldn't be so bad if the film didn't just bash your fucking brains in with the symbolism. There was just tons of monologuing about how the human heart is all that separates the resistance from the machines. Also, Marcus cries... a lot.

3. John Connor vs. Lava Monster - At one point, the Arnold terminator gets a bucket of molten metal dumped on him. What ensues is possibly the most ridiculous looking fight scene that I have ever watched.

2. Bikernators - You know, what was wrong with the HKs? They flew, so they could go all the places that the slogging, fake-human terminators couldn't. Why on earth would Skynet need to make biker terminators. Oh, and just wait for the scene where Bale lures a biker terminator into a trap by playing GNR on an old tape deck (Okay, that's sort of sweet, I will admit). After the bike terminator (who apparently hated Chinese Democracy as much as the rest of you) crashes to the ground, John Connor wrasles with it for a while, before plugging his palm pilot into the mechanical monstrosities head. Then Connor rides the thing off into the distance, steering it with his palm pilot's touch screen. Do you know how many times I've dialed the wrong number on my phone's touch screen while not even wearing leather gloves? "I meant to touch left, shit!"

1. I Believe- Marla from Fight Club is Skynet. Yup...